Junctions.
When approaching a “T” Junction approach using your Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre routine. Ask your self . Is the junction “open“or “closed“?
For those thick f###ers that don’t f###ing know the difference:
Closed: is you can’t see a f###ing thing from either left or right so you should f###ing STOP!
Open: is when you can see what is coming from the left and the f###ing right! This does not mean that because you can f###ing see them does not give you f###ing right of way.
The “Give way” line means give f###ing way. Not look left look right look left again and if something is coming especially a car with f###ing “L” plates pull out. Four f###ing times it’s happened today. Four f###ing times some dozy pillock near Rhyl has nearly caused me to create a really bad smell in my car as for my pupils; their vocabulary has been greatly expanded.
Roundabouts:
There are some really f###ing thick people who just can’t grasp the idea of Roundabouts! This is probably why the Americans don’t have them!
Let me explain in very simple terms:
- If the road you want is at 12’o clock and befor your position should be on f###ing left..not central!
- Therefore if the road you want is after twelve o’clock you occupy the right f###ing lane!
- You should signal only if you taking the 1st exit or if you are taking any exit after twelve o’clock. For some people, putting your f###ing hazards on does not help anyone!
- The only time this f###ing rule changes is when the f###ing road markings indicate otherwise and not when you decide. Unless you are in Rhyl….Then f####ing anything can happen!
- If in any doubt stay off the f###ing road!
For those thick f#ckers who drive tractors:
Do not overtake a vehicle waiting to turn left or right at a “T” Junction. This does not mean that you should not go on the wrong side of the f###ing road to do so. Just because your on the f###ing phone to your girl friend(Baaaa) is no f###ing excuse. Remember that most f###ing tractors can only go 25mph; if you go any faster your f###ing brains WILLexplode.
When approaching junctions again you should use the msm routine. If the vehicle in front is signalling to turn right, this is not a signal for you to over f###ingtake, they are telling you that they intend to turn right! Guess what might happen if you do over take. (It’s not f###ing rocket science.
Once you have turned on to a main road, leave your f###ing signal on for at least 4 miles so you confuse the f#ck out of every one!
Road Markings/Road Signs.
Double white lines mean: No overtaking, unless the vehicle you’re following is travelling less than 10m.p.h (like a cyclist or a milk float) and only if it is safe to do so. Not unless you are some f###ing stupid bint in a rush to pick up the weeks f###ing shopping and you decide it’s safe to overf###ing take on a blind f###ing corner.
Single Broken line(Long Line Short Gap):No overtaking / Hazard approaching…(See Above)
Single white line(Short line long gap)You may overtake but only if the f###ing road ahead is clear…(It’s not a f####ing Human Right)
Yellow Lines:
Where there are double f###ing yellow lines, this means No F~~~ING PARKING on the road. This does not mean (as some thick f#ckers believe) that you can park on the f###ing pavement( Side walk if you’re a f###ing yank). Where there are single yellow lines this means that CAN NOT PARKED BETWEEN CERTAIN TIMES(clearly marked on sign postso f###ing small you need binoculars to see them)
Road Signs:
Two basic types, nevertheless over the years signs have been designed to be easy to understand, (until our local county decided to employ some f###ing Knumbscull who can’t even f####ing drive)We now have a Roundabout sign that defies all f###ing logic!Re: Roundabouts”12o’clock rule!
- Triangles, give f####ing warnings!
- Circular, give f###ing orders!
- All the others you’ll have to learn as you’re going along, like the rest of us! Unless you’re from India where anything goes!Speed limits:These are usually signified by the speed limit being surrounded by a RED Circle. Anything in a f###ing circle is giving you a f###ing order! It’s not f###ing negotiable. Having said that, it is a LIMIT and not a f###ing target.e.g. On country lanes, some f###ing common sense needs to be used! What type of twat drives at 50mph on a country lane??? You f###ing guessed; f####ing tractor drivers, oh and f###ing mothers in their 4×4’s and B.M.W’s late for the f###ing school run.Be very careful when you see a mother on a school run.(You can tell who they f###ing are, all they need is a f###ing kamakaze band on their head) Because they won’t stop, even if there is a f###ing Ford County coming towards them at 50mph! Usually great verbal interactions ensue. They use words that I don’t f###ing use!
Cyclists
Go out and buy your self a decent mode of f###ing transport. And get some proper clothes.
If you see a cyclist or a flock of cyclists otherwise known as cnuts(oh f#ck now I’m byslexic)! Give minimum space, because as The High Way Code says: They might wobble and fall off. A good tip for cyclists is stay at f###ing home or go on a field dressed as a f###ing sheep and help f###ing tractor drivers! N.B. Not all tractor drivers f#ck sheep, just the one who overtakes on “T” Junctions.. You f###ing wanker!
Dual Carriageways:
Despite what some f#ckers think, the speed limit on these roads is normally 70mph(Unless otherwise specified) The right hand lane is for overtaking the f#ckers who think the left hand lane has a 40mph speed limit, like old f#ckers!
Lorry’s’ on dual carriageways have a very important role to play: They encourage the old f##ckers off the the road who are driving at 40mph in the left hand f###ing lane.
Occasionally you might see a tractor on a Dual Carriageway. You can drive past them sticking your two fingering salute at them, shouting: “find a sheep to f#ck!”
Also you may see a cyclist or a flock of cyclists on the dual carriageway. If you drive too close to them they do wobble and fall off( The High Way Code is f###ing right here)
Driving Examiners:
These f#ckers have the personality of a f###ing slug!
Their brief must be:
To set an impossible task for anyone who they think can drive a f###ing car.
If anyone looks like they are about to f###ing pass, dream up a reason to fail them.
Make people do things they would never f###ing do in reality.
Ask some f###ing stupid questions during the test. Like “If you weren’t here today, what would you be doing?” Answer= Mind your own f###ing business you f###ing hitler!
Always bare in mind that the test candidate has probably crapped them selves twice already and are feeling as nervous as f#ck. Do your best to underf###ingmine their confidence by sighing and making stupid f###ing learches forward if they brake a bit.
Give instruction as late as possible! e.g. At the junction we’ve just passed turn left! This is a good reason to give a “serious” mark for not being able to read your f###ing mind! Result…. FAIL!
If the candidate asks you to repeat the direction. Look at them as if they’ve got two f###ing heads..tut very loudly, raise your voice as if they’re f##ing deaf and repeat the direction slowly as if they are from f###ing Mars!
If a pupil asks you a f###ing question: reply with another f###ing question. Do this to confuse the f###er so they miss the pedestrian crossing the f###ing road…Result FAIL!
If you have to pass the candidate, you must give a debrief. This again must not give any words of praise at all. In fact you must make them feel as if they have f###ing failed!
The F###ing Elderly.
Give these f#ckers as much space as f####ing possible! Because f#ck knows what they’ll do next! (They fought the f###ing war you know) That alone seems to give them the f###ing right to do what they like on the road. If an old person signals to turn, don’t f###ing trust the old f#cker; they’re probably having a f###ing laugh.
I reckon the f###ing Government should build a separate roads along side the main roads, for the old f#ckers; like cycle tracks! Then we could have the old f#ckers, f###ing tractor drivers & cyclists off the main roads and that would solve congestion! F###ing brilliant!
The Government, have for f###ing years, been talking about introducing an ability to drive test for old f#ckers.
Doctors have the resourses to advise the old f#ckers not to drive i.e
- They can’t f###ing see.
- Their reactions are that of a f###ing slug.
But no advise is ever accepted by old f#ckers (They won the f###ing war you know!)
Pedestrian Crossings:
There are two basic f###ing crossings: Uncontrolled(Zebra crossings) and Light controlled Pelican Crossings). There are others; f#ck knows why, because no f#cker uses them properly anyway.
The idea with the f###ing things is to give the Great British public a safe place to cross the f###ing road and not as some f###ing people think: target practice! Or a place for Prozzies to hang out! (I know there is a red light)
The light sequence is quite important:
flashing amber means go like f#ck!
Red means means stop! Even if you’ve got a 25 ton lorry firmly up your f###ing arse!
Green means Go! Some f###ing pedestrians seem to think green is for them to go! Thick f#ckers!
Always remember that Pedestrians do have right of f###ing way! (Which f####ing idiot decided on that one! I suppose the same f#cker who invented bikes!)
You’ll get Pedestrian crossing at Cross Roads as well (We’ll deal with Cross Roads later)
You’d better be quick off the f###ing mark here! Because some f#cker will cut you up if you’re a mili-second slow setting off.
Always remember, before you go, check all 3 mirrors to make sure that no one has pulled up along side you, like F###ing cyclists, motor bikes or more f####ing pedestrians. If you don’t check your mirrors you might miss an opportunity to score some f###ing points!
The zig-zag lines on the approach to a crossing mean: No f###ing parking and no f###ing overtaking(Unless you drive a f###ing white van; they have their own High Way Code which they update every f###ing day!
Cross Roads:
What a f###ing cock-up these bastards are! Why the f#ck they didn’t just keep to f###ing roundabouts f#ck knows!! Any way here goes:
If you’re intending to go ahead you’ve got the right of f###ing way! Unless you drive a white van, a f###ing tractor or ride a f###ing bike then you apparently can do what you f###ing like!
If you’re turning left you’ve right of way over people turning right!Unless you drive a white van, a f###ing tractor or ride a f###ing bike then you apparently can do what you f###ing like!
If you’re turning right and some other f#cker wants to turn right, then f###ing good luck! There are two rules that apply hear: Off side to off side/near to near side to near side!
(Nothing to do with f###ing football all though it might have been better) The more difficult rule is to my mind the “Off side to off side” Because it involves going around the back of the other car! This is the preferred f###ing method according to “The High Way Code!” No one in their right f###ing mind would do this! Can you imagine Piccaf###ingbilly Circus on a Friday at 17.30hrs. “Excuse me my good man would you mind going around the back of me..I wish to turn right?” Response from The good natured Cabby…”F#ck off the Gay tw@”(No offence to Gay tw@..some of my friends are Gay Tw@)
Moral here is to buy a f###ing White van or a tractor and do what yo f###ing like!
Reversing:
Generally speaking you can this slowly, looking out your rear window! Use your wing mirrors to help your position and always stop if something is coming towards you from either direction!
Unless you’re a f###ing house wife on a late school run! House wives can’t (for some f###ing medical reason)reverse. Simple. Never expect a f###ing woman to reverse because they just f###ing can’t. There are the odd exceptions to this rule.
I saw, (only last week) a woman try to make a f####ing combine harvester reverse because she f###ing couldn’t!
Manoeuvres:
There are four Manoeuvres that you will have to learn before taking your test. All of which are pretty f###ing useless in reality!
The Turn in The Road.
Quite simple really!
The Left reverse Around a Corner.
Once learned I promise you’ll never f###ing do again!
Reverse Bay Park. Left and Right.
To reverse into a f###ing car park space. Why, when you can drive into one?
Parallel Park.
Parking behind a parked car! Why, when you can pull up behind one?!
For all those who thought you were going to get instructions on how to do these manoeuvres…F#ck off and get an Instructor!
Overtaking:
Before overf###ing taking look at the f###ing clues ahead of you! Are there f###ing junctions, bends, look at your f###ing road markings. i.e. a long line and short f###ing gap means “hazard approaching” Not you can f###ing overf###ing take! (unless your a f###ing mum who’s f###ing late picking her brats, or a f###ing farmer in his tractor). Double solid white lines, mean you can’t over f###ing take unless the vehicle is going slower than f###ing 10mph (see The f###ing elderly and cyclist sections)! Single broken white line close to you with a solid white f###ing line, means you can over f###ing take, but only if nothing is coming towards you. (It’s a f###ing right)!
Now you’ve decided to overf###ing take, what’s behind you? Mirror signal manoeuvre to let the twat behind know what you’re f###ing doing.( Unless you’re a mum late picking up her f###ing brats, a tractor driver(whose f###ing signals never f###ing work or the f###ing elderly) because these f###ers never f###ing signal. Oh f#ck yes, I forgot one more f###ing category, f###ing White Van Man!
Thank you dude. Keep the faith. I will try to keep up my little blogg!
No of course, you can share my blog with who the f#ck you like!
You’re obviously talking about the wrong f###ing blog; arse whole. aka spam-twat.
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